Fine Line
by Runa Eindride
Summary: After Kakashi's lecture (see episode 108), instead of leaving right away like he did in the anime, he sticks around and has a longer, much-needed heart-to-heart with Sasuke. The feels are strong in this one. The title of this fic is based on the "fine line" between love and hate, which Sasuke walks on with Itachi.


**Fine Line**

"Everyone you're talking about has already been killed," Kakashi said.

 _Now_ Sasuke was listening.

Sasuke always knew there had to be people out there who shared his pain, but he always envisioned them being much like himself: cold, distant and consumed by bitterness. Probably in even worse shape than that.

He did not think they would be anything like his playful, caring sensei whose smile was almost infectious even underneath his mask.

There wasn't even any doubt that Kakashi was telling the truth. As he said the words, Sasuke caught a glimpse of a feeling he knew all too well in his teacher's expression. A feeling that couldn't be faked.

Something ripped Kakashi's heart clean out of his chest, and yet the man seemed wholesome. He not only survived–which is an incredible feat on its own–but he was now _thriving_.

"Well, end of lecture. You decide if what I said hits the mark."

"Wait!" Sasuke shouted at Kakashi, who was ready to depart. Kakashi couldn't drop all those bombs on him and then just run off!

"Hmm?" The Jonin was a little bit surprised that Sasuke wanted to prolong this conversation. He expected him to want alone time.

Sasuke never raised his eyes, still staring dejectedly toward his feet. "I…" he stopped, not sure what he should say next. "First of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what happened to you, and for what I said. You seem so happy, I never would have guessed. I wouldn't have even believed you if I didn't see the look on your face when you said it."

 _What look?_ Kakashi wonders, slightly bothered by his student being able to read him, but more importantly he was proud of Sasuke's empathy. He smiled. "I forgive you Sasuke. I wasn't angry, anyway."

"Is it wrong that I... I'm kind of relieved that someone I know understands how I feel? I'm not happy that you lost everyone, but…" Sasuke didn't know how to finish the thought without sounding extremely selfish. There was no silver lining to something so horrible; it had to be sick to perceive one, right?

" _But_ …" Kakashi finishes for him, "At least now you know you aren't alone in how you feel. There is someone you can reach out and talk to about it, and your words _won't_ fall on deaf ears."

Sasuke looks up at him, unaware and uncaring of how vulnerable he looked at that moment, almost like a lost child looking for someone to guide him home. "Can I talk to you, really?"

"Hmm? Now?" Kakashi actually had other things to do right now, but they could wait if Sasuke insisted. This was a crucial moment for him, after all. First time since the massacre that someone reached out to him like this. He could tell this revelation was having a huge effect on Sasuke, for he had never, ever seen his stoic student look this young and vulnerable. Walking away from Sasuke now, if he needed him, would be cruel and irresponsible.

Sasuke doesn't want to sound needy, even though he certainly feels that way. "If you want." He swallowed hard, wondering what he would do if his sensei walked away right now.

He wouldn't have to find out, because Kakashi took a seat by him against the tree. "What do you wanna talk about?"

Sasuke stared straight ahead as he spoke. "Why I want revenge. It's not as simple as wanting to punish Itachi for murdering our family."

"Oh?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "He did more than that?"

"Yes. As much as their deaths hurt me, it's nothing compared to Itachi's _betrayal_. I trusted him completely. He was everything to me. I loved him more than I loved everyone else combined, and maybe… maybe I still do."

Kakashi stared at Sasuke, stunned that he would admit something like that. Very few people could admit, even to themselves, that they love the one they hate the most.

"I never imagined that Itachi could hurt me," he continued. " _What_ he did to our clan is almost nothing compared to _the fact that he did it_." Sasuke's heartbeat picked up speed, his fists clenched in his lap, and the pitch of his voice wavered. "He called me worthless, he trapped me in his Tsukuyomi and made me watch him slaughter everyone including our parents, _and then he fucking_ _ **left**_. He didn't even take me with him or _at least kill me_ , he just _left_! He took _himself_ away from me! I lost the person I love _the most_ by _that very same person's_ hand!"

There were small droplets of spit flying out of Sasuke's mouth with the ferocity of his words, and he was trembling. Kakashi hesitantly, gently, placed a hand on his shoulder. "I hear you, but take a moment to calm yourself." _Itachi used Tsukuyomi on a seven-year-old? That's too far. No wonder Sasuke is like this. It's one thing to see the aftermath, but to watch it actually take place… in that hellish world, no less,_ he thought.

Sasuke couldn't calm down. He was on his way to hyperventilating, forcing the words out between labored breaths as if trying to purge himself of a deadly poison. "I… will avenge our clan… and myself! And I… will... _make..._ him acknowledge me! I've… always... needed Itachi… to… acknowledge… me. I still do! He _has_ to accept me… as his brother… his equal. I _need_ him to! Aniki is… all I have left… and… He… He _told_ me… to seek revenge on him. I _have_ to do… what he says… or he'll never…"

Sasuke's voice cracked and trailed off. As he continued mouthing words that wouldn't come out, something told Kakashi to pull him close; to hold him, if not to comfort him, then to at least keep him from collapsing, hurting himself or running off. He felt a little disturbed by Sasuke's words. So after everything that's happened, Sasuke still wants his brother's _approval_ , possibly even more than he wants revenge.

Sasuke was too far gone to care that he was trembling and crying softly in his teacher's arms. He was no longer aware of his surroundings, or himself. He was reliving that horrible night, and Itachi's horrible words, all over again, and it was no easier than the countless other times this has happened. All the two of them could do was wait for it to pass.

It could have been worse; he could have been remembering the _good_ times. Those were the most painful to recall.

By the time he regained control, he didn't have it in him to care how he may have looked anymore. His head laid in Kakashi's lap, his eyes dull and still dripping with tears. Right now, it made no difference to him if he was in Kakashi's embrace, in the privacy of his own bed, or in a pit of lava. He just didn't care. The pain he felt was mind-numbing. It consumed everything else inside of him, including his pride.

It was at this point that Kakashi decided to finally speak, sensing that Sasuke had regained enough composure to at least comprehend words. "Itachi is not all you have, Sasuke. You have me. You have Naruto and Sakura as well. They may not understand you the way I do, and they may not be the strongest or brightest, but in this world, we can't be too picky about our friends. Most bonds happen unexpectedly, and we should cherish every single one of them."

After a minute, Sasuke answered in a dull voice, "It's not that I think they aren't good enough to be my friends… I just can't bear to lose them."

Kakashi cocked an eyebrow at that. Well well, Sasuke was just full of surprises today. What a difference that lecture made after all.

"Even if I forget about revenge, something else can take them away from me. Sickness. Killed in combat. There are so many ways I can lose them. You know that I've been willing to risk my life to protect them. That's because I feel like my life isn't worth living without them anyway. Seeing either one of them die… is _worse than death_." A fresh tear falls from his eye. "I don't want to feel that way about them, or anyone anymore. I want to break these bonds before they can break me. I cannot bear to lose anyone else. I'm barely holding myself together as it is."

Kakashi sighed softly. "To be honest, Sasuke, I can't reassure you about that. Loss comes with the territory of bonding. The _best_ you can hope for is for everyone you love to outlive you… but then _they_ have to live with losing _you_. And maybe there is a limit to how much heartache each person can take. But what's the worse that can happen? Pain? Despair? Emptiness? Insanity? An early death? These are all things you would be bringing upon yourself _anyway_ if you abandon your comrades."

Sasuke pulled himself out of Kakashi's arms, shaking his head. _But it won't hurt as much if I leave now!_ , he wanted to say, but stopped himself. He didn't want to rationalize this fear anymore; that only seemed to make it stronger. He wanted to learn how to function _despite_ it, like his sensei does. So he asked, "Where do you find the courage, Kakashi? Why do you keep forming new bonds when you know how bad it can get?"

"Because I know how _good_ they can be, too. The risk equals the reward. If I avoid pain, I would have to avoid happiness as well."

"Isn't it better to feel _nothing_ than to feel _agony_?"

Kakashi closed his eyes and sighed softly through his nose. Sasuke's question stung him deep, because it was a question the Jonin had asked himself so many times before. He gave Sasuke the same answer he gave himself. "No. Everyone I've loved is still alive in me. They're in my memories, my personality and my philosophies. They are part of who I am, so as long as I am still me, they are still here. But if I lose myself, then I would have _truly_ lost them. Completely. _Every_ trace." Kakashi placed a hand over his heart. " _This_ is where they live now. I have to at least _try_ to keep it alive, otherwise it would be as if I killed them myself."

Sasuke listened and absorbed these words in silence. He sensed a darkness around Kakashi, and knew that the older man hadn't even fully convinced _himself_ of the things he was saying. This was _faith_ talking. A desperate need to make sense of something that had no answer, and to make an intolerable situation tolerable. At least, that's what Sasuke thought.. He never believes anything that isn't tangible. He _wants_ to believe as Kakashi does–that his family was still alive in a real way, within himself–but it isn't going to happen today.

The two of them shared a long moment of silence, not ready to leave each other's presence. They were in a sentimental bubble right now that seemed warm and safe, where not even the pain they share could harm them. They were both eager to stay here as long as they could, before it was time to put on their figurative masks and face the world again.

Then Kakashi, recovering first, poked the bubble.

"You should stop idolizing your brother."

Sasuke's heart skipped a beat, but he didn't respond.

"I don't care what he said to you. Don't listen to him. You'll become just like him, and not in a good way."

"Hmph." Sasuke smirked. "Well, I have no parents to kill, so I don't see how I could _ever_ be like him. I'll _surpass_ him, as a shinobi and as a human being."

"Not by following the path he's laid out for you. I hate to break it to you, but Itachi isn't right about everything. He told his seven-year-old brother to live for revenge. As a former ANBU Captain, he's seen enough to know how destructive that path is for those who walk it. He gave you _terrible_ advice. He's insane. He is so mad with power that he killed his entire family just because he could. He killed his best friend to obtain new ocular powers. _You_ are already determined to acquire power by any means necessary; sound familiar? That's Itachi's shtick… _and Orochimaru's_. Orochimaru steals the bodies of children to prolong his own life, and you are his next target. He conducts torturous experiments on men, women, children and the elderly, with no moral barriers and no regard for their lives. Also a wanted criminal. As of right now, you are about to follow _Orochimaru_ down _Itachi's_ path. _Think about that sentence_. Doesn't it just _sound_ like there are better options to explore?"

Sasuke thought about the power the curse mark gives him. For once in his life, Sasuke feels the potential to overpower his brother. He couldn't care less what kind of man Orochimaru is. Sasuke cares about _power_. Orochimaru has _power_.

But...

Sasuke smirked, and actually chuckled a bit at how blind he'd been to something right in front of him. The massive hole Naruto's Rasengan left in the water tank flashed in his mind's eye. _Naruto was able to do that, without selling his soul..._

"It doesn't just sound like it," Sasuke replied. "It _looks_ like it too. I see how strong Naruto is getting. Actually, that's why I'm even more desperate to get stronger too."

Kakashi nodded, and thanked the heavens that _this_ student was so intelligent, albeit quite unhinged. He was introspective enough to figure _some_ things out on his own, perhaps only needing a push in the right direction. That was good, since there wasn't much more Kakashi could do for him but listen and give advice.

"If you become strong enough to kill Itachi," Kakashi says, "there are better ways to do it. Orochimaru knows more than you do, and could easily hinder your progress on purpose. He obviously wouldn't want you to be stronger than himself, since he has to be able to take your body. If you can't surpass Orochimaru, you'll never match Itachi. And most importantly... you _do_ want a life to come back to after you kill Itachi, don't you? I remember you saying, on our first day of training, that you want to restore your clan. You mentioned that _before_ you mentioned 'destroying a certain someone'. That's a big dream, Sasuke. That means marriage, children; pedigree. That's all future generations of Uchiha, starting with _you_. That is the survival of your bloodline. How many people can say they bounced back from the _very brink of genocide_?"

Sasuke, speechless, could only blink at the prospect.

Kakashi continued. "Every Uchiha, past and future, could say that… but only if you achieve your potential. _That_ is how you correct the past: by building a future that makes it worth it. You will be the difference between the extermination of the Uchiha or the rebirth. Your mother, your father… and whoever Itachi was before he lost his way... they're counting on you."

After a few seconds… Sasuke began to laugh, progressively louder until the noise scared away the birds in a nearby tree.

Kakashi stared at him quizzically. "Was there a joke in there that I missed?"

The laughter died down, and Sasuke looked at his teacher with flushed cheeks and a wide smile; an expression that no one alive today except for Itachi–and now Kakashi–has ever seen on the young Uchiha's face. It was enough to melt the Jonin's heart.

"I never thought anyone could change my mind."

The smile Kakashi gave him in return was just as rare, and even through his mask, the affection it emanated filled the hole in Sasuke's heart for that moment.

The sun was going down, but for Sasuke, these were the first rays of light he'd seen in years. He didn't get _all_ of the answers he wanted. For one, he still didn't know what to do with the soul-crushing fear of losing his teammates. He knew it wouldn't be easy to resist the lure of the curse mark, either. Still, this was a start.

He would stay with Team 7, and find strength in a way that respected his goals; the ones that came _after_ killing Itachi, that is.

Maybe one day he'll be able to smile the way Kakashi is smiling down at him right now. Perhaps at a child of his own, who had his mother's eyes.

"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."


End file.
